Junque Miles:
By Mark Roberts
An "Unwaivering" Commitment
It's a beautiful Saturday morning and the local running club's putting on a 5k race. Think I'll give it a try. Why not? Lace up the ol' running shoes. Fill out the entry form: Name, age, t-shirt size.
Now just sign the waiver at the bottom of the form...
WAIVER:
In accepting this entry, I the undersigned, intending to be legally bound and having not the tiniest thought of hiring a sleazy lawyer and trying to weasel out if it later, for myself, my heirs, executors, administrators and innocent bystanders, waive and release any rights and claims of damage I may have against anyone even remotely connected with this race, including sponsors, race organizers, spectators, other runners and flora and fauna in the immediate vicinity. Even if I change my mind tomorrow.
I am aware that running a road race is an extremely hazardous activity, second only to naked, blindfolded motorcycle racing in risk to life and limb, and that I should not participate unless I am certified fit by a physician and spiritual medium (preferably but not necessarily the same person). I affirm that I am properly trained as a runner, athlete and exotic dancer and hereby acknowledge that any heart attacks, strokes, strains, sprains, broken bones, nerve or spinal damage, blisters, abrasions, lacerations, bad breath, shakes, tremors, double vision, chronic fatigue syndrome, metallic aftertaste, unsightly blemishes, waxy yellow buildup, ring around the collar or dry, flaky skin are a result of my own knowing and willful refusal to follow the United States Surgeon General's recommendation to keep fat intake to less than 30% of my total daily calorie consumption.
I hereby absolve from all responsibility for the hideous misfortunes that are almost certain to befall me all the towns, counties and states through which this race passes, the government of the United States of America, USATF, the ATF, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, NAFTA, the World Trade Organization, the United Nations and any and all orbiting or non-orbiting bodies which might affect me with a gravitational field directly proportional to their mass and inversely proportional to their distance from me (in accordance with Einstein's Theory of Relativity).
I accept that I may be subject to embarrassment and/or ridicule and/or humiliation from causes including, but not limited to, public perspiration, throwing up in the finishing chute, exposing more of my body than is really appropriate for someone with my physical attributes, exposing that tattoo that I got when I was in college and got drunk one night and it seemed like a really hilarious idea at the time, being passed by runners much older than myself, being passed by runners much younger than myself, being passed by someone pushing a baby jogger, being followed by an ambulance crew wearing very worried expressions on their faces even though I'm doing just fine (really!), taking a wrong turn and going off course and getting lost, needing to stop and pee in the middle of the race, pinning my bib number on my back instead of in front even though I was told by the correct way to do it 27 times by race officials and starting on the front line with the fastest runners even though I've never run a race before in my entire life and couldn't cover a mile in less than 10 minutes unless you pushed me out of a plane with lead weights attached to my ankles.
I realize that the race may be affected by factors beyond the control of the race organizers and the race director. These factors may include weather conditions, fires, crimes or other public emergencies, seismic activity, solar flares, cosmic rays, reckless drivers, stock market fluctuations, falling military space hardware, rising gasoline prices, the presence of endangered species in the area, hurt feelings, bruised egos and the vague but ominous sensations of being watched that I get sometimes when I don't take my medication. In the case of some race directors, variables may also include the start time, the age group designations, the length of the course, the route of the course, the existence of mile markers, the accuracy of the mile markers, the presence of water stops, the presence of actual people at the water stops to dispense the water, the quality of the race t-shirt, the possibility of obtaining a race t-shirt that isn't big enough to fit two people the size of a typical runner and the availability and accuracy of race results. I understand that in no case will any of these factors affect my check being cashed.
I agree to abide by all traffic laws set forth by the city, county and state, all relevant air traffic regulations specified by the FAA, all applicable restrictions on firearms possession, concealment and use, all three of Newton's Laws of Motion, the treaty of Ghent, the Diet of Worms, the prime directive of the United Federation of Planets, Ohm's Law, Murphy's Law, Cole's Law (in lieu of french fries), the Magna Carta, the 13th through 27th Amendments to the Constitution and the Terms of Use of Microsoft Windows 2000.
Signed:_________________________________________
Signature of parent or guardian
if under 18 (or if a member of the
Kansas State Board of Education):_________________________________