Thank You for Flying

Thank you for flying American Skyways. Welcome aboard.

We realize this was the only flight that would take you anywhere near your intended destination on the day and/or time you needed to travel without either charging more money than the GDP of Scotland or requiring a 6-leg voyage passing through Detroit, Seattle, Charlotte, Anchorage and Denver — in that order. So we know you had no real choice about which airline to fly and we intend to exploit this knowledge to the fullest.

We recognize that one of the greatest frustrations of 21st-century air travel is the overfilling of cabin baggage compartments. In light of this fact we have recently added extra fees for checked baggage in order to discourage the checking of bags, thereby guaranteeing … even more overfilled cabin baggage compartments.

If they haven’t already been stuffed full by the passengers who boarded before you, please stow your carry-on baggage either in the overhead compartments — which have been conveniently made one and a half inches smaller than standard approved carry-on baggage size — or under the seat in front of you where it will make your own seat feel even more cramped than it really is. Remember that you are allowed only one carry-on bag plus one personal item, such as a purse or laptop computer… unless you’re Specially Privileged, in which case you can bring as many bags as you are able to carry and we won’t lift a finger to stop you. You get to decide for yourself if you’re Specially Privileged or not (and you probably are, aren’t you?) Don’t worry about inconveniencing another passenger, because you’re Specially Privileged and they’re not. And we don’t give a damn about either of you.

Keep in mind that, in the future, any attempt to make other passengers’ lives easier by checking your baggage will be punished with an additional surcharge over and above the checked bag fee we currently have. (We’ll call it an “overflow capacity fee” or some such.)

Food may or may not be purchased during the flight. Depending on your definition of “food”.

Box lunches are available for $7.95 and contain marginally more nutritional value than the box they come in (although the box tastes better). Beer, wine and soft drinks are available at a variety of prices (though uniformly unpalatable quality) and every beverage comes with a coupon worth $1.00 off the use of the rest room during the flight — a 20% savings! Coupons are not transferable to future flights but you may barter with passengers who have small bladders for use during this flight.

Please note the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft. If you are seated next to an emergency exit and are unable or unwilling to assist other passengers in the event of an emergency, please keep quiet about it because we’ll need to use you as an excuse in the event of an expensive post-crash lawsuit.

In the unlikely event of a water landing — well, a survivable one, anyway — your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. Or as a weapon to fight your way through to the emergency exit. In either case you will forfeit the $20.00 seat-cushion-deposit that we tacked onto your bill without telling you when you booked the flight. If there is no emergency water landing and you don’t notice the seat cushion deposit we’ll keep it and use it to pay for thicker, glossier Skymall magazines. (Because you can never have too many electric corkscrew sharpeners.)

If we experience a loss of cabin pressure, emergency oxygen masks will be deployed from above your seat. When this happens, secure the the mask over your mouth and nose. At this point you may purchase oxygen for $5.00 per minute.

All major credit cards accepted.